What were you thinking?

This column is in response to the kidnapping that occurred Sunday Oct. 19, 2008.

I love practical jokes, even when I’m at the brunt of them. I think they’re hilarious…IF they’re done right. You can’t half-do a practical joke because it just ticks everyone off, no one is laughing, people get hurt and you just have a really big mess! If you’re going to kidnap someone…DO IT RIGHT! I, for one, am not impressed—I’m upset!

Real bold, folks (you know who you are). Perhaps too bold—stealing Ruth* while I was asleep not two feet away from her on the couch. First of all, you totally took advantage of the fact that I was sick and weak and puking everywhere.

Second, I now feel violated. You could have hurt me too! Not to mention, I then had to explain to my entire cluster as each person trickled back to campus after a long, relaxing Fall Break that I’m a horrible person and I let our best friend get kidnapped by a bunch of DIRTY ROTTEN STEALERS!

Worst of all, you hurt Ruth! She hasn’t been the same since we got her back, since we found her naked and dismembered in the storage closet. You even took off her hair! MONSTERS! Because of you, she doesn’t laugh with us as much anymore, especially around me. She used to be my biggest fan! I could always count on her to wish me luck before a singing gig or laugh at my jokes when no one else thought they were funny. But you’ve ruined that! Our relationship is slipping and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT! Nice work! It’s bad enough that I hate myself and feel responsible for not keeping her safe… I don’t need her hating me too!

What really set me off was the fact that you didn’t even leave a ransom note. How were we supposed to work with that? We had no leads, our timeline was shady and there was no sign of struggle—even though I know you must have drugged her or something because she would NOT have gone quietly. It would have been tolerable if you had left us a note. At least then we would have known she was alive! We would have even been happy with one of those two second phone conversations the kidnappers give the family of the victim in the movies. Just long enough to tell her we love her and hear her voice in return. Rent a frickin’ movie for crap’s sake! Take some notes so you don’t ruin it next time! And by next time I mean good luck trying to kidnap Ruth again because we’re on to you. And you are going down if you so much as lay one hand on her again!

You turned our lives upside-down, and for what? A couple of cheap thrills and my entire cluster in tears! And it wasn’t just those of us who lived with her who were worried; you had people from all over campus in a frenzy. Every time someone stopped by to visit, they would ask about Ruth. After we told them what happened, we had to console them because they were so upset over what you did! And when we went door to door with the missing person posters, I could see it in their eyes. They were hurting and we all just wanted Ruth to come home, to come back to us. So much time and energy was wasted because you people don’t know how to pull a good practical joke! WHAT were you THINKING?! SHAME ON YOU!

*Ruth is a mannequin.