A moment with Meg

Warning: this column contains language that is neutral and redundant. Its bland and insignificant meaning may offend certain individuals with tight schedules, those unable to understand sarcasm and the illiterate. Reader, discretion is advised.

Are we good? Should I add that it contains 499 words? Would you feel more comfortable knowing that this column is printed in black on recyclable newsprint? Before I dive in to what this column is really about, be warned that reading it could contribute to farsightedness.

This column is also linked to decreased academic and work performance, as it is of virtually no intellectual value.

Please do not ingest this column. The paper contains chemicals that could lead to medical complications and the act of eating it has been linked to minimal but serious social side effects.

Go ahead, laugh. Roll your eyes. But while we’re on a roll, let me warn you once more: If you find my disclaimer annoying, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Since around the time that Stella spilled her java on her crotch, advertisers, politicians, journalists and scientists have adopted the assumption that we are all idiots. Now, I may not be the sharpest bulb in the herd, but I do know that Peanut M&Ms contain nuts.* I also know that coffee is hot**, sleeping pills may cause drowsiness*** and some material in pornography**** is not appropriate for children.

It’s not the manufacturers’ faults that Rubbermaid tubs now require warnings against storing children in them. Like with so many things in life, a select few people have destroyed common sense for the rest of us. We have been stripped of our freedom to choose what we do with the packet of silica we find in our bags because someone tried to make a buck in court by playing dumb.

Who decides which products get a warning label? Whoever it is, they don’t think much of us common folk. Some people claim the right to be warned of all of this world’s potential dangers, but I claim the right to be warned of oncoming insults to my intelligence. For this purpose, I am going to sue the label gods. Soon, your cigarettes, light bulbs, permanent markers and toaster ovens will have a new label: Warning. The warning label you are about to read is ridonkulous.

*Peanut M&Ms is a trademark of Mars, Incorporated. The views expressed here are not based on scientific research and do not reflect those of Mars. Peanut M&Ms are delicious if used responsibility. If you enjoy Peanut M&M’s and take offense to this column, call 911 immediately.

**Certain coffees, such as iced coffee, blended espresso drinks and old, stale hot coffee, are not hot.

***Not all sleeping pills are addictive. Some experience sexual side effects, depression, acne, digestive problems, heart failure, and death, but not all become addicted. Talk to your doctor if you have taken a sleeping pill and died within the last 30 days.

****The columnist does not watch porn, and neither should you.