People everywhere are having sex — especially on a confined college campus where the majority of potential sexual partners are within a ten-minute walk.
However, I don’t think people here at Luther College are having good sex. Good sex is what I would define as well-educated, pleasurable, equitable and, most importantly I would argue, conversational. Almost everyone is having sex (whether with a partner or solo masturbation), yet no one is talking about it. Not publicly, really, unless it’s a funny story that will get a laugh out of friends, or worse, shaming someone for a myriad of different things (body, body count, performance, kinks… the list goes on!).
Earlier this year, at a Norse Against Sexual Assault (NASA) meeting, we covered sexual communication. We talked about consent (the number one most important thing when it comes to sex!), things that commonly keep people from having orgasms, masturbation and, finally, how to considerately communicate with sexual partners. During the meeting, I learned that many of my peers are uncomfortable talking about difficult or awkward things like sex, and that many of my peers are, as a result, having bad sex.
This is not unique to Luther, especially when it comes to straight vulva owners. Research has proven that there is an orgasm gap between penis owners and vulva owners, with some data citing a difference of 30%. This means that straight penis owners orgasm, on average, 30% more often than straight vulva owners. My straight vulva-owning friends definitely experience this, and I often hear the blame being placed solely on their partners. Although a lack of knowledge of the anatomy of a vulva may be part of the problem, it is not the sole culprit. All bodies like to be touched in different ways. There is no universal secret to pleasure, so exploration and communication are key.
If we talk more about sex, including solo sex (masturbation!), it will become less scary or uncomfortable to talk about with a partner. Knowing what makes you feel good, and feeling unashamed of it, makes it much easier to share that with a partner. So, touch yourself if it’s your jam or if you’re curious whether it is, and don’t be embarrassed! Try a sex toy or a few! Most importantly, don’t be afraid to start a dialogue with your friends and/or sexual partners about it. Create safe, nonjudgmental spaces and conversations.
Yes, sex is funny! It’s sexy! It’s natural! Bodies make sounds and have natural smells and tastes. Laugh, don’t be embarrassed, and do not shame others for their bodies. Uplift each other and encourage safe and pleasurable sexual practices.
If you’re still curious and want to learn more, here are slides from our sexual communication NASA meeting. I think the information is important and extremely helpful! I would love to see everyone at a meeting in the spring, and keep your eye out for exciting NASA events to come in April for Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
